At the beginning of this year, I was still living at home — things were relatively stable for me, I worked in a local office, I had my usual ministry at church, I was seeing a psychologist fairly regularly and really, things were okay. Even still, I was dissatisfied, restless and really hoping that 2019 was going to liven things up a little bit.
Don’t they always say be careful what you wish for?
I can’t talk about everything that’s happened in this last year, this is a public blog after all, even if I do overshare far too often. There’s plenty going on behind the scenes that have made things more stressful than they needed to be. The bones of it, however, are enough to make you want to have a little sit down and a nanna nap.
The first half of the year was relatively uneventful (ha). A trip to Melbourne to see Cursed Child, a change in offices (but not my job), a change in psychologists. I also took on a new ministry at church which required a lot of my attention. I also started a book club, which was one of my New Year Resolutions and I now have a great bunch of girls that meet up each month to chat about books and life. If that had been it for the year, I would have already been quite exhausted.
At the end of June, I decided to move out on a whim. A whim that I had been building up to for about 6 years, but a whim nonetheless. Two weeks later I went on an excellent trip to Western Australia — the only state I hadn’t yet visited! It was an excellent break and exactly what was needed after having all the stress of moving out for the first time whirring around my head for a few weeks.
Another change in psychologists, another change in offices and now, in the very last weeks of the year, I’ve found out that I will need to leave my lovely little apartment by the beach and move in the first few weeks of 2020.
Stability has not been on my side this year. Some of it is self-inflicted, others have been completely out of the blue. If I had known any of this was going to happen at the start of the year, even knowing I would have moved out, I might have said “Nope, no thanks” and gone for a nap instead. But that’s life, isn’t it!
I’m proud of how I’ve handled most of it as it’s come at me. Especially when you live alone, it can be hard to process change. You can’t talk about it with anyone in the way that you might when you live with people. You can’t debrief — your only option is to overthink, which I do too much of anyway — or annoy your friends on Snapchat or Messenger (sorry pals and thank you for bearing with me). Sometimes I’ve felt a little like I’m going insane, but in general, I like my own company.
I’ve learnt more about how I function, what I value and why I do the things I do. 2020 is going to be a year of stepping back and actually enjoying my own time, rather than running on adrenaline 100% of the time. That’s not a fanciful declaration, it’s essential for me to be able to survive.